Free Advice

The Natural Connection

As a physician, I spend a large part of my day dispensing advice. People usually come and ask me common medical questions, like how to prevent indigestion, or what to do about their toenail fungus. I have been asked rather peculiar things at times, like what sort of air freshener to use, or what type of house slippers to buy. One lady wanted me to tell her how to cook string beans.

But no matter what the question, I do my best to help out however I can. I give my patient my opinion, and if I am having a lucky day, they may give me some Free Advice in return.

When I first came to Georgia, most of my Free Advice came under the topic of “How to Survive in the Swamp”. As soon as I opened my mouth and said “river” instead of “rivah”, it was clear that I was not from here, and patients kindly assisted me in whatever way possible to fit in. Tried to whittle me into shape is more like it actually.

Consequently I was informed how much butter to add to grits so they did not stick to the cooking pot, and where to purchase fresh hog casings just in case I woke up one morning with an uncontrollable craving for deep fried cracklings.

Retired railroad workers offered me their suggestions for using Boil-Ease for “risin’s” and Black Draught for when your “stomach tears up”. Heaven forbid that you get confused and drink the Boil-Ease and smear Black Draught on your skin. When that happens, you have to pay to see a doctor.

Women freely give me their old family recipes for Bran-Bomb Muffins Guaranteed to Cure Constipation, and Mi-Ma’s Best Ever Blueberry Pie. I have learned the Sure-Fire Remedy for red bug bites, how to clean your collards in the washing machine, and other indispensable basics of daily life in the Okefenokee. I found that they never teach you everything in medical school that you need to know to be happy in this world.

Lately the Free Advice I receive falls mostly into the “You Never Know When You Might Need to Know This” category. A gentleman came to see me who had sprained his left ankle. When I asked him about the details of his injury, I expected to hear the usual tale of how he fell backwards off his riding mower, or slipped into the fishing pond.

He lowered his gaze so that he was able to squint at me over the tops of his glasses and said grimly, “Doc-has anyone ever told you to stay away from baby drool?” It seems that he had encountered some on the floor of a local grocery store and slipped and lost his footing, incurring the injury.

“God didn’t make nothin’ more slippery and dangerous than baby drool”, he continued. I had to admit that no one had ever warned me about the dangers of baby drool before, and I thanked him for the advice.

Some Free Advice I consider possibly hazardous to my health. Recently a nurse from a nearby hospital told me of how she cured herself of an upper respiratory infection with the ingestion of two spoonfuls of turpentine and castor oil. Although she remains to this day alive and well, I am sure that if I followed her advice I would surely regret it. I know that her home remedy was popular in rural South Georgia decades ago, but I like to think that at least in this area medicine has made some advances that we can take pride in.

One elderly man came to the office loudly announcing that he was 94 years old and continued to not only live alone but to care for himself. I asked him to share his secret of longevity and got some remarkable Free Advice.

“Never listen to a woman or let them tell you what to do!” he said. “And never take a bath except on Saturday. That’s National Bath Day! Stay away from women and bath water-that’s my secret!”

I told him that maybe I could live with the first part, but if he continued to follow his own advice on the bathing, he would have to find another doctor!

If you have some Free Advice that you would like to share, please write to:

The Natural Connection, c/o Dr. Pauline Bellecci, PO BOX 777, Waycross, GA 31502 or contact us at www.swampdocs.com

10/9/00